People always ask me if I ever sleep and are amazed at how I function on such little sleep. I guess they forget I’m twenty three. I’m a young parent two years removed from the party like a rockstar lifestyle. I have never known rest, there ain’t no rest for the wicked and certainly no fucking sleep for the parent. If you look at it though all that partying really was an awesome crash course in parenting. I would go as far as to say 90% of my parenting I learned while partying. Yes, esteemed scientist Punk Rock Papa has found the missing link between party animal and parent of the year!
Kids are terrible with words. They start off not being able to say anything, graduate to repeating the same thing over and over, upgrade to talking all silly and saying things they aren’t supposed to then finally begin speaking clearly. That’s drinking in reverse! Basically a newborn is your blacked out buddy who is so gone, even simple head gestures are a fucking miracle. Turns out babies are just a black out in reverse. Jeez kids carry yourself a little better.
Parenting is sober partying, I’ve just become the designated driver. I’ve still got that annoying fucker at two in the morning who is crying over god knows what. “Shut up and drink this!” The difference now is the bottle isn’t Jack Daniels or a beer; it’s a bottle of milk. Everybody has or has been THAT friend. Just take the bottle and stop bitching. EXACTLY like parenting! I was lucky enough to have plenty of cry at two in the morning after a party because so and so didn’t notice me friends. You know you’ve been there with the bottle of vodka trying to pour it down their throat just to get them to shut the fuck up! Call that friend up and thank them for the hands on practice that is easily applicable to an infant.
Another kick of parenting reminding me of parties past is the stupidity of kids. Okay they aren’t stupid they are naive but they do some SUPER dumb stuff. There is always that one person at a party who ends up doing something completely dumb. I always love watching a dumbass in their natural habitat and always cheered them on. “Hey that was really dumb…do it again!” Kids are the same way! Sure they aren’t nine shots deep but are still rather dumb on their first few attempts. When a kid first begins to walk it’s hilarious! They get up, fall down, get a shit eating grin and repeat. I’ve got a ton of friends I’ve watched do that! And it was just as funny when my kids did it.
Kids are THAT friend, the one who gets you uninvited everywhere. You know that friend, the one who starts a fight or accidentally spilled his drink on the girlfriend of John Cena’s third removed cousin from a second marriage. No one wants to hang with him but you because you know he is a good guy and is just misunderstood. Dude! That’s your fucking child! The reason your staying home at night is because lil saggy diaper can be an embarrassment of spilled drinks and apologies. There’s nothing wrong with admitting it, just let it go.
Kids do that thing, you know in their diapers… Well drunks sometimes do that too. I had a friend when I was super cool and popular (it’s my nostalgic memory I’ll remember it how I please) who was a habitual offender of drunken pee pee pants. Dude could turn any sofa or rug from a lovely place to crash into a hazmat site. One end soaked in urine the other soaked in tears wondering why no one wanted him around anymore. How many crib sheets or onesies have you had to strip covered in tears and piss? Time to call this friend up and give them a thank you too, all the easier if it’s also Sobby McSobSob. Might want to also apologize for pouring the bottle down their throat to the point they loss bladder control functions.
In some capacity, anyone who has partied was really just prepping for becoming a parent. As you can see the connections have been made! It’s super fucking similar. Now anytime you go out and get a little wild and let loose think of it as a refresher course in parenting. A ripe lushberry is an elite parent in the making. The more I look back at my past I can be comforted knowing I was just prepping for my twins. How else was a I gonna get experience if it weren’t for drunken nights??