My wife spent the past day and a half in the hospital. She had been feeling under the weather for a few days before it all came to a head. There was nausea, dizziness, headaches and vomiting. I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared. The whole scene was a flashback to our first pregnancy.

When Diana was pregnant with the boys we had a fairly smooth pregnancy until the very end. Twins are expected to come early, usually around the 38 week mark. Throughout the pregnancy everything went well. The boys grew at a good pace in their womb for two. Diana was, well, exhausted but she was healthy. Other than normal first time parent jitters we were smooth sailing into a happy, healthy family.

On March 30th, 2013 Diana began to feel absolutely awful. She had a splitting headache, so bad it affected her vision. Apparently inside her body was a disaster. Her blood pressure had skyrocketed to dangerous levels, putting strain on everything. The doctors don’t tell you about HELLP syndrome, I assume because of the amount of fear it could instill and it’s slim likelihood, they don’t want you to worry about it.

HELLPS wreaks havoc on your body. Red blood cells rupture, your platelet count plummets and your liver enzymes begin going haywire. It usually occurs during the later stages of pregnancy and is life threatening. When Diana went into the hospital they told us she was fortunate for catching it early and coming in, that a few more hours would have been her life.

IMG_6371.PNGFrom American Pregnancy

I’ve already talked about losing her briefly during the emergency C-Section so I won’t recount every bit of our first experience. What I didn’t tell you was those weren’t feelings I had shared with Diana, ever. I have always felt a need to be a rock, being strong for the both of us, for the good of our family.

I still feel that need.

When Diana began to get sick a few days ago we dismissed it as the common cold. Our boys had just gotten over not feeling well and we just assumed they had transmitted their illness like the jerks little kids are. Then came the puking. She couldn’t hold down anything, even water. Off to the hospital we went.

At the hospital they set her up on IV’s, hooked her and the baby to heart monitors and began observation. Diana was having contractions due to being dehydrated. Now while this incident wasn’t exactly the same as our first go around, the same fear creeped back.

Here we go, again, before our projected due date. Here we go, again, with Diana feeling terrible.

Here we were, again.

Flashbacks began immediately. I saw her pulse dropping. I saw the color and life leaving her face. I began to get scared, no, I began to get terrified. They hooked Diana up to her forty different things and i braced myself for another nightmare delivery.

The doctors probably think I’m some sort of sociopath. In situations like this I get super calm. I will let my insides rage, but I will not betray my emotions by showing them. They stay hidden, for I am the rock, I am strong for my family.

I didn’t sleep hardly at all the night before last. My bed felt unbearably empty. I continuously checked my phone. Was the ringer on high? Had I zoned out and missed a call? I should probably be upfront. I can’t stay in hospitals. I get uneasy. Diana was on a sleeping pill and we live five minutes from the hospital so I was at home, taking care of the dog.

I gave up on sleep around 2:30 in the morning and began doing odds and ends around the house. The doctor had said Diana would be free to go in the morning, I was still terrified. Morning rolled around and Diana was still sick, so they decided to keep her. My insides raged, my voice remained calm and collected.

“Better safe than sorry”

Around five in the afternoon they released her. Emotionally and physically drained, I took the night off from work. I have been saving my personal time since news of our latest addition, so I have about 100 hours dedicated to bonding with my son and building that paternal connection. Having my wife home, still sick but feeling better, I needed last night. I’m excited for our newborn son, but I want him to be full term when he comes. I don’t want to relive having a wife in ICU and a child in NICU.

The past few days have been a reminder of our first childbirth. From that experience I got two handsome boys who have taught me so much more about being a man than anything else. I also gained a phobia for when the time comes, a fear of loss. As flashbacks to the first time play through my head I begin to feel the full impact and gravity of what’s to happen very soon.

How were your pregnancies? Were there complications? Do you or your significant other feel the need to stay strong during such emotional times?


12 thoughts on “Flashbacks

  1. With my second child I wouldn’t dialate. Got to a 2 was 50% efaced. Then nothing. The heartbeat dropped I was in so much pain I passed out. I had went into some kind of shock. Since she was being born nearly 3 months to soon and I wasn’t even in our home state the Dr wouldn’t give me anything epidural or anything for that matter. They had to some kind of suction thing and stick it on her head and force pull her out. I was in and out of consciousness the pain was so extreme. Luckily she was a good weight her lungs looked good and 2 days later got to go home. However getting her home was a challenge. We were 3 states away from home. At birth she weighed 6lbs 6oz. When I got back home she weighed 4lbs even. All she did was puke every feeding. Then rashes started popping up. After nearly dieing and 4 months in the hospital I have the most beautiful 16 year old girl in the world. I couldn’t be more proud of the young woman she is becoming.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My first pregnancy was pretty much smooth sailing until the hospital tried to kill me.
    Normal all day sickness but other than that easy peasy.

    When it came time to get the show on the road hospital neglegance intervened. I was dilated to a 3. The student doctor that checked me said I was a 5. They decided at a 5 it was time for an epideral.

    It completely stopped my labor. My monster was stuck in the birth canal and fading fast.

    Emergency C-section here we come!

    Then when moving me from the hospital bed to the operating table they ripped out my epideral. No one noticed.

    They got all the preperations done and the doctor was ready to cut me open. He kept pinching my tummy asking if I could feel it. I felt everything because the medications they were pumping into my epideral were leaking out all over the operating table because even though they hadn’t noticed the epideral was in fact no longer in my spine.

    The doctor didn’t believe that I could feel it. He grabbed the scalpel. I sat up and screamed that I felt something cold on my back and I could move my feet.

    He was ready to cut me open.

    SCARIEST thing ever.

    They put me under. The only thing they told my ex husband was that he could not come in the operating room anymore because something had gone wrong. So he was freaking the fuck out. Much like you he showed no emotion though.

    Then he botched the surgery cut me open way to high on my tummy. Then stich ed me up with staples.

    I am alergoc to metal. ALL METAL.

    I got a crazy infection, a fever of 104° and even though it said allergic to metal in my file no one believe that I am in fact allergic to surgical steel.

    They wouldn’t take the staples out. The infection was like the red line of death growing up my stomach. Every 15 minutes they would draw a line of where the redness of the infection was. Then when they’d come back it had move further up.

    They still wouldn’t listen to me and take the staples out. It was a mess. My ex husband ended up threatening the nurses the he was going to take them out myself if they didn’t get in there and do it.

    An hour after they were out the redness had decreased by half and my fever was drastically better. It was 2 days later before I was actually functional enough to hold my son.

    It was a nightmare. I thought I was gonna die.

    The 2nd one went MUCH better.

    Diana will be fine B. Hang in there homie. Prepare to have 3 tyrants!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When the man child was born, it was a terrifying experience…mainly because I was 20 yrs old and knew NOTHING of what to expect…that coupled with a abusive husband. My son was born 2 months early, after umpteen attempts by my body to have him even earlier. A week before he was born they were doing an ultrasound and he had a seizure, which thankfully they caught on the video because they had all thought I was crazy when I told them he had been doing this for a month. When he was born he did not cry…for over 9 hours after birth. We almost lost him so many times, but God’s grace saved him and myself. Now, fast forward 7 yrs to the Teen’s birth…pregnancy was high risk right off the bat. Bed rest for the first 3 months….then smooth sailing. Water broke on her due date…then she was folded in half, so emergency C-Section. I was put out for that…delivery went smoothly, it was right after that my heart stopped. Thankfully God stepped in again and they got me back. Now, the man child is healthy…you would never know he was a sick baby…Thank God! The Teen, well, she has never been on time since her delivery. LOL I will keep you and your wife in my prayers my friend. ❤


  4. I worked in the NICU for years, seeing the results of druggies, HELLP, prematurity, & unfinished growth within little bodies… it was the hardest job I’ve ever had. I had to constantly fight the urge to scoop up the babies & hold em close while I pray, wrap the parents in unsolicited hugs, & offer words of strength, sympathy, & condolence without being prompted by conversation first. I counted the blessings I had in my life, went home & cried myself to sleep over the baby we lost to heaven that day, the mom that got so sick from childbirth she was in a coma for 6weeks unaware she even birthed that precious little miracle dad’s struggling to care for alone. I was thankful I never had to be on the other side of my job, that my kids had all been born healthy, that I recovered easily. Then I got pregnant with Alaynah (Stinx). I was on depo to prevent it because I was on pain medication for a spinal disease. I couldn’t come off the meds because it could’ve caused a miscarriage, but to stay on would risk her being born addicted to them. The hardest choice in my life was what to do here. I stayed on, but lowered my dose as much as I could tolerate & still be Able to function. She was born dependant & had to spend two weeks detoxing in the NICU. I HATED being on the other side of my job. I HATED the unknown, the uncertainty, the inability to do do what I wanted with my baby to comfort her. Babies going through withdrawal HATE being touched, because it physically hurts them. It tore me apart inside & I cursed God for his will being stronger than the birth control. Alaynah healed like the boxing champ her grandfather is & came home 5wks earlier than predicted, on THANKSGIVING. I’ll always be extra thankful for the little miracle she is.


    • Wow, I remember the NICU nurses. There was a definitive difference between the ones who could cope with the job and the ones who seemed…disconnected emotionally.

      The boys had minor problems in NICU, normal premature baby stuff, so our stay wasnt too long. Thats so awesome Alaynah fought through all that! Thank you so much for sharing and for reading

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You were so calm, I had no idea you were this terrified. I was supportive but had I known you were this scared I would have been more supportive and not as excited about the possibility of seeing your new baby. I’m glad Dianas ok, good vibes for stay put… #TeamFullTerm


    • Aww, you were awesome dont worry about it. I have a hard time talking out feelings and shit. I would have told you i was feeling a certain way then relentlessly made fun of you becausd i felt vulnerable. Thanks for reading, BFF’s 4 lyfe, I seent it in our future!


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