Two years down, many more to come!

It’s hard to believe we approach the two year anniversary of me being a parent next month! I can’t wait to have a gigantic celebration in my honor for surviving another year raising boys! The road hasn’t been easy, but I’ve made it this far!

In honor of my children’s fast approaching birthdays, I feel an obligation to impart wisdom on fellow parents. The things I have learned in the first two years of parenting boys who happen to have the same birthday. (twin boys!)

There comes a point, around the first ultrasound, that you begin to lose rights to your Facebook. What used to be party pictures is rapidly replaced by toothless grins and spaghetti messes. Embrace living in the age of the Internet! Like those embarrassing photos from middle school now circulating the Internet waiting to be discovered and made into a meme, your children’s photos will never be lost. Facebook has become a family photo album, which you should be actually quite ok with. It’s nice to catch so many “likes” on a photo that melts your heart. Whenever having a down day, you can swipe through the photos on Facebook and have your heart melt all over with nostalgia.

Accept the fact that each milestone will be filled with equal parts joy and sorrow. You will be happy to watch your child develop, obviously. But, it’s so bittersweet. Often times, I look back longingly at the days before running and talking; when my kids wanted nothing more than to snuggle up with me on the couch and watch sportscenter.

Not every moment needs a picture. I know, I just talked up photos, but hear me out! Most of the time I am too busy enjoying and living a moment to capture it. Some memories are forever etched in your heart. I just spent a week bonding and enjoying my families company in Colorado. I took twenty five photos with my fun and a million memories tattooed forever onto my heart. Catch a smile, cherish a moment.

Tantrums are not personal. Sometimes your kid just has a shit day, they are human. You have bad days, I have bad days, kids have bad days. Being a parent is about being able to assess the situation and redirect it, you’re not the one who should be throwing the temper tantrum. Too many parents get ridiculously frustrated with a screaming kid. Walk away instead of losing patience and dropping to child like mentality. I smoke. If I need fresh air for five minutes I’ll step outside and rip a cigarette. Smoking is better than exploding on my kid, so shove the “smoking is bad” talk. Seriously, just step back. Kids cry, they don’t know what they want sometimes, just like you. Be the cooler head.

Let your children be children. Join them in being children! Kids are blessed with such a pure form of joy, untouched by complexity. There are no gray areas, it’s happy or sad. It’s nice to momentarily fall into the black and white. Kids are a chance to relive the purest form of joy. Bask in it before the world steals their innocence and everything becomes mired in layers.

The zero to two year old phase passes way to fast. Just yesterday we were in NICU. Now they run and play games and it’s too much sometimes. My youth has been slowly siphoned off. But it’s been worth it. Absolutely worth every midnight feeding or stinky diaper. The fulfillment of parenting is unrivaled. Trading in video games for Kipper wasn’t an easy transition, not going to lie. But it’s absolutely worth it. So cheers to two years past, this parenting gig has been my favorite activity to date.

Oh, and one last final advice. Hide the knife block, far out of toddler reach. For everyone’s safety.




Product Review- Deluxe Twins Set: Boys Edition

When I unknowingly decided to impregnate my wife I didn’t realize it would result in me being blessed with the deluxe two for one tyrant special. The double trouble gift set has certainly been one of the more expensive things I’ve had. So I have decided to give anyone looking into the possibility of raising twins what I believe is an accurate list of pros and cons. This is my product review of the deluxe twins set: boys edition.

-Having twins means that, for most, you have already created most of your family! This is great because for the price of one pregnancy you end up with double the results. Going by my personal model of a three child family I am already two thirds of the way to my vasectomy! Having your kids in twos is a sure fire way to build that family of your dreams in little to no time!

-Twins are an immediate +20 family cuteness factor. Literally everyone wants to stop and gawk at the fact that two kids can be siblings and identical in age. If you opt for the twins that look alike package you might as well add +30 to the cuteness and +40 minutes to any trip to the store because you will constantly be stopped. Any gamers out there? This is the equivalent of grinding for that super rare sword to slay the dragon with, if the dragon was middle aged women at the supermarket and the sword was double edged adorableness, ya geek!

-Everyone seems to put parents of multiples on a pedestal. Thanks to Jon and Kate’s surge to fame parents of multiples are now seen as godsends of parents*. Why is this a perk? Everyone wants to give you a hand. Babysitting is pretty much free at this point because people want to help out the hard at work twin moms and dads. I will play the exhausted parent card constantly, maybe add a little bit of a staggered foot as if you haven’t recovered from two people holding onto your leg 24/7.

* I have never seen Jon and Kate plus however many kids they destined for years of therapy.

– Twincessories! Oh man, the strollers for twins are GIGANTIC! Makes for great bumper cars through the mall. As a person with personal space issues having a five foot stroller buffer zone in front of me is beautiful as I wade through the masses making their way to the food court. I like to use the front of my stroller to “accidentally” smash into the back of people’s legs. It’s quite fun and I can always blame the stroller. Take that lady yelling on your Bluetooth, fall down!

– As an added bonus, some find it appealing to dress their twins like thing one and thing two. While I never got caught up in that craze I can understand the enjoyment of further wowing passerby’s into a sort of twinstruck dumbfoundedness.

– Believe it or not, growing two people inside of a woman’s below is not fun for the pregnant nor the impregnator. As my pregnant partner got to have her uterus transformed into a cage fighting event I could slowly feel hatred building for me. “I can make twins with my penis!” Becomes less amusing the more you say it excitedly to strangers. Well, it did to my wife at least.

– Apparently you have to feed both child A and child B. This was news for me I didn’t realize we would be going through so much fifty dollar cans of powder. I have heard of a formula black market, so I guess if you go the shady way this isn’t as much of an issue. Just make sure your Similac is grade A and the dealer didn’t cut it with some generic crap. I would hate to break the kneecaps of some poor formula pusher who thought he could pull a fast one and stomp my product.

– Twins have a tendency to move in opposite directions. It’s almost as if they are like magnets with the same poles, constantly propelling each other into different rooms. This problem could be remedied with some leash product I assume but I haven’t found the best leash baby system yet so I’m stuck trying to turn into that stretch guy from fantastic four.

– Any sickness spreads like a rampant epidemic. I know it’s bad taste to joke about Ebola, so I’ll try my best to abstain. I’ll leave it at this; I call the CDC for quarantine tips during flu season.

In summation, I would give the deluxe twin set: boys edition a solid 8/10 score. While some days are harder than others I do enjoy most of the pros of twinsanity. Some of the cons I’m sure can be remedied if I took the time to get leash baby items, a good formula dealer and a proper quarantine area. All in all I would recommend the twin set to anyone looking to quick build their family and smash a gigantic limo stroller into people during the holidays.

Do you have children? What’s their product review?